I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
