dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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