you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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