Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I CAN MOONWALK!
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
