oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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