fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
