I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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