sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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