Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
