You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
