Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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