You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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