You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
