My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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