Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
