Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
did i walk over a car last night?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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