P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
