Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
