I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Boobs are out for the taking
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
