Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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