When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
