yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Randomize
