Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
