By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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