well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
