I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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