btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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