i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
