im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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