I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize