I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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