Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
