Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
