He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dignity is for republicans.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize