So drunk its hurt
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
