Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
