I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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