I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
