Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
