Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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