And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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