You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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