I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
