God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
