i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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