Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize