chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
