Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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