Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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