Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
