Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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