I need to stop coming to work sober
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
