is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
