tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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