Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We left an ass print on the piano.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
