did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
