My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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