So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
