im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
