I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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