And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have fence marks all over my body
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
