Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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