My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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