You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
