i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
