I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
