you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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