my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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